Readers and writers out there, what do you think?

You have to keep your writing style in either past or present. Some things sound a little strange with their phrasing. Also, you should right it so it flows more. Some things just seem abrupt, jumping from one sentence to another. To be honest, it needs a bit of work. It seems more like a rough draft of what you want to happen in the chapter, but it sounds like the plot wouldn't be bad.